cYniCaLme

            Tomorrow would be another day for me to face the truth about what I really feel…how I really feel. For years, I have tried my best to become who I am now, and looking at what I have become…it was fulfilling…but at the same time I know that this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I will not lie to myself. I will not deceive others of my feelings… I am blank…like a piece of paper worthless without words of those who write. Like an ink from a pen, futile and dark…hidden beneath the shadows of my past…concealed in irony with the life I chose to live. This is me; this is all that I have become for others. Before this, I have learned to perceive myself as the soft, kind-hearted, and weak person in front of those who knew me to be one. I never stood up for what I believed in, I kept silent even though there was still so much to say, I looked down alongside my principles and was hesitant of everything that I should be proud about. I was a chameleon…or a wave…carried by the flow of life…with no direction of my own whatsoever.

              I have sworn and vowed that I would create my own path. A path that no other person will dictate and no other person would ever follow. A unique essence in this world that I was looking for and figured out that I need to break ground on my own. For the first time in my life, I found a concrete definition of who I really was apart from all the pressure of the complexities that I am living with. For a moment, I was someone. Because of the love that this person had taught me, I became whole…but then again, with all of its downfalls and imperfections, I was broken. Do I need it once more? Maybe I do…maybe I don’t…I’m frightened. Written: May 22, 2006

I wrote these seemingly immortal words…a day before the final judgment of my own realm of emotions. The day that I have neglected for years came at last. I know not if it is just mere coincidence or it was God sent, but I’ve discerned this to be a moment that I get to confront my greatest of fears. Hilarious isn’t it? - That I, the girl who was void of emotions feel fear on something that most would find admirable and inspiring. Once there was a time that I had freely let myself revolve around the idea of that dream, love of my life…once there was me…before being crippled with the same thing that I have adored. I was someone whose wish came true but after getting what I’ve wished for I ended up disappointed…I was like a child who has just been told by adults that Santa isn’t true. Now, it’s just merely a part of the past I’ve longed to put behind me.

Countless days it seemed, that I thought about a person so undeserving, it tortures my soul. Countless times I’ve said, without the sight of him, I was lonely…for we…him…was the first surreal thing that I came across with in this pitiful life. I never cried but I kept thinking twice if I was to become happy with the path I’ve chosen, a path without love, a life alone. I kept asking myself, should I get him back? Was everything a mistake I’d regret in the years to come? It was almost like decisions were about to be made for the both us without his consent. Nobody really understood why I opted to let him go. Our separation, for others, was socially unacceptable. Ours was a story which plot everybody knew about, one that was watched out for, like a timeless tale of an eternal love… and like those tales, it was filled with lies. How much of it, I do not want to reveal, for maybe some would criticize me as a coward, much like a fake heroine in this story. These sudden changes weren’t plain and simple coincidence. It was made and happened for a significant reason.

The truth is, He woke me up and showed me which road I should take. I saw it vividly, and in that scene, I didn’t see him or anybody else…it was odd finding out that all those years of dreaming was a waste of time because this, this was just too far from that. Nevertheless, I whole-heartedly accepted it, without hesitations, without thinking twice. And now here I am, after years of steady mind-set, here I stand, double vision-ed with the right choice. It was like I need someone to reiterate me of my priorities. Unbelievable me…just the thought of seeing him made me doubt my destiny. My choices masked my being love-struck all the time. It resembles a huge and mighty wall that hides my great weakness for this one person. I knew never why my heart fell for him, his conceitedness, his distorted ambitions (if there was one), his insane choice of words in serious conversations, and his insensitivity…Committing with him was just like entering a bar, ordering a shot of tequila and drinking it straight up after drowning yourself in a whole case of beer. You cannot tell the difference between a pencil and a pen, or rather, an orange and an apple. Everything is unclear and your senses deceive you, but yet, you still want more of it. After all of this twisted wild-goose chase of the right person to give my heart, this is where I landed. Why still yearn for more of it? Why still want to go back to that sickening instance? Probably, this is a nightmare. Somebody needs to wake me up. Probably, it was just my mind’s memories…memories that are irrelevant and insignificant…floating around my farfetched thoughts.

Thankfully, this chance came, this make-or-break event that would lead me to where I should be moving on. I feared that if I found sight of him, everything would sink back in to me and I’d find out that I was really, after all this time, still feeling something. Waiting for him, I felt my stomach churn. My heart pounded hard. Every breath was fast and heavy. I was nervous and uncomfortable. When I heard someone say that he was already coming, I didn’t glance at the door. I want to take this slowly. I want to be prepared of whatever I brought upon myself for being there. He began to speak…that was the point when everything around me seemed calm. Finally, I found the peace that I was seeking. I had the strength to look at him again and…it was just like seeing another person that I haven’t seen in a long time. I simply chuckled at that zany thought of still being in-love with him, for now I definitely know, that God doesn’t want me to take that other end of the road.

~~The Road So Far~~

- Tasha Camille Z. Enerio -

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